Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Winds of CHANGE is starting to blow...
Busi-ness is always my excuse for anything not done. And sometimes, I am not THAT busy, I admit. I mean not THAT busy to not be able to do other important stuffs.
But all that has changed. Well, it seems to me that the word "CHANGE" keeeps appearing nowadays, isnt it? But that's what is happening now. Change. CHANGES. It's TIME.
I am no longer using busi-ness as an excuse. I am really BUSY. To the point that I find myself sighing ang thinking and re-thinking why am I doing this and what made me do this? And then I remembered. My PARENTS. Yup, My MUM and DAD.
Not that they are pushing me or forcing me to do something I don't wanna do - they have never done that, juz for the record. Well, at least, as far as I can remember now. Bt they have been my silent inner encouragement. My 'push' factors. My burning fire. The source of where all the energy and ideas come from.
And No. They are not aware of it. I think.
My parents are never aware that I look up to them. So much so that I hate anybody, just anybody that tries to hurt them, either directly or indirectly, in any way. (That privilege is only for me mah!) I despise those that are rude to them. I tries very hard to be a better child to them. To fill up those gaps for them. Whatever the gaps maybe. They are the reason why I can't say "No" to them, coz how can one ever say "No" to their parents? That's why I find myself at their beck and call, whenever either one needs me in any way. I am not complaining, though I do admit I sometimes grumble. But that is for a very valid and gd reason.
My parents are two very very kind souls. Too kind that they become victims of stupidity and greediness. Too kind that they have nurtured as to be as kind as them. And I find myself very difficult to NOT feel guilty all the time. They have equipped us with enough values and moral to be a good person. Bt their kindness are sometimes blind. They could see what their siblings are doing to their parents, situations that anger them, bt nothing more they could do, coz their parents are keeping mum about it. Bt they always fail to see that the same is happening to them. They fail to see that they react the same way their parents are reacting. And I end up at a crossroad.
I choose change. I choose to tell them that they have 5 other children and I am not even the eldest one. I choose to allow myself to say "No" sometimes, even though I end up feeling extremely guilty and secretly beat myself for it. I choose to let them see that they will end up like their parents if they are not assertive enough in some situations. I choose to be the bad child so as to save my parents' for any future heartbreak.
No - I am not an angel. N I am not saying I am an angel. It's just that I can't accept it when I put my parents in top priority and yet, the rest doesn't seem to think so. They are suppose to be of same flesh and blood. Bt how did the sentiments go soooo wrong? What is so different between now and then? Change?
They deserve better. Way better. They went through a lot to give each of us some kind of life. They were very giving. Maybe not in the monetary ways, bt definitely in other ways. They deserve better. They WILL get BETTER.
With that drive, in me, for years, secretly (well, not much of a secret anymore, i guess), I always know I wanted to be the one that help that change. I want to be able to give them better lives, the one thing that they are so deprived of. I want them to be happy and proud. I want them to see me succeed. I want them to smile at me with all their heart and then I will know in all my heart I did it. I want that. It has always been the perfect picture in my mind. A perfect sketch.
Bt now, things have change. A bit. I no longer want that sketch. I want it to be real.
And I am proud to say that I am working towards it, right about now.
I am working so hard and juggling too many things at the same time that I am shocked I am doing it. Bt everytime I think of giving up or feel like my spirit is low, I think of my PARENTS. I had made a secret promise to them, to myself. And I won't give up. And I am not giving in. Not this time. Not when I am so far in.
Running around, doing 6 different things at the same time is not an easy feet. But if that's what I have to do to bring happiness to my parents, I will do it.
Things are just too much in the early stage for me to declare anything now here. Bt I will, InsyaAllah. This is a good change. I needed this change for so long I forgot about it, I neglected it. Bt now when I have the taste of it, I can't let go. I am addicted. And may this addictiveness last me long enough to pursue my dreams.
Dear Allah swt, Please show me Your Light, Your Way. Grace me through this period. Protect me from the evil, so I wouldn't stray. Grant me strength, graciousness, patience, health and calmness should I meet with any obstacles. I know I am not your best, bt with the meaning to give my parents the life they deserve, pls smoothen this ride for me. Amin.
Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 12:56 PM